What's Your Fantasy?

We see and we hear people's fantasies all the time without even noticing it (and please get your mind out of the gutter. k thanks.). I'm talking about those window shoppers staring longingly at a pair of Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choo that their budget won't allow. A guy futilely scripting the perfect conversation to the girl from apartment A into his mirror with an array of timely, witty responses to compliment ratio (we know how this story ends). In fact, there's a fantasy brewing in the confines of the cubicle next to me as I hear the groans of discontent at the arrival of a late work request at 4:50pm. That's what a fantasy is, where one ardently longs to be in a position furthest from the epicenter of their current reality. Well, ladies and ladies, that's where men have devised a way to create an unholy union between fantasy and football. I give you Fantasy Football! *blood curdling scream in the background*.

It's a pandemic that has struck the likes of jocks and nerds, Wall St. types to construction workers, and has even torn down the divisive wall between men who wear boxers and men who wear briefs. Fantasy Football is THE ultimate common denominator for the 21st century man! To not know or at least understand the basics of it in today's workplace is like telling your future employer that you thought Excel was a synonym for doing a good job. Word! Remember ladies, we need every advantage that we can get!

Let's start with how one plays it. Typically, a guy at the office will attempt to assemble ideally a twelve person league (it MUST be an even number- six teams being too few and fourteen being a tad too many). The assembling process will involve plenty of badgering, the thorough questioning of one another's manhood and plenty of jabs at the piss poor losers of yesteryear. Once twelve people have committed to join the league, they are now bestowed the all high and mighty title of "owner". The owners will then nominate a Commissioner to head the league and it is his/her (my goal is that many of you will reach this mantle) job to create the league via many of the popular websites that host Fantasy Football i.e. Yahoo, ESPN, NFL.com, etc. The Commissioner's most important job other than creating the league, however, is to enforce an overall integrity and to oversee the all important DRAFT! It is the heart of Fantasy Football and many will contend that the draft is the open bar of a wedding; it surely has the same effect as one since the draft will certainly involve a Viking's ransom of alcohol. The draft order is determined through a simple drawing of numbers out of a hat and once that is established the draft can begin. Every owner must select one quarterback, two running backs, two wide receivers, a tight end, a kicker and a defense from any team in the league in an attempt to assemble the creme de le creme. Once the boys' ideal teams have been created, the computer will randomly match their teams up (and of course, how could I forget to mention that each player gets to create his own testosterone-y driven team name) with a different opponent each week. From here on out, they follow their selected players closely and hope that the said players score touchdowns, rack up massive amounts of yards and kick outrageously long field goals so that their team scores more points than their opponent. Now, don't worry about how many points are allotted per play, they just keep track of the total. At the end of the season, the winning team is determined by whomever has the most amount of wins (with a tie being broken by the most amount of points). You still with me?

So the next time you hear someone at the gym talking about their Fantasy team, here are a few cue card questions that you can ask (regardless, of whether you know or care about the answer). How does your team stand? Have any of the key injuries affected your lineup? Who's your top producer? Do you want to pick me up at seven for dinner? Okay gals, I'm off to burn some cals and tone up. Dear God, I hope the Marine Corp vet instructor isn't teaching tonight because he most certainly is nowhere near my fantasy. Please ask questions- I'll be here all night!