It's Been Real...

Thank you ALL so much for logging in regularly and following us but we've officially purchased our own domain...so keep up with Purses and Playbooks at http://www.pursesandplaybooks.com/ and keep reading, commenting and staying sassy!

Viva Italia?

What's going on with the NBA you ask? Did you hear someone mention yet another lockout? Well, it's happening ladies and the NBA players might as well be out like a fat kid in dodge ball. Yes, it's true: NBA commissioner David Stern is currently threatening players with the cancellation of the entire 2011-12 season! Some sources say that the players' union (headed by President Derek Fisher of the Los Angeles Lakers) views such an extreme stance as more of a negotiating tactic than a legitimate threat, but who really knows. The NBA Players Association executive director Billy Hunter called for his executive committee members, as well as some of the league's superstars such as Lebron James and Kobe Bryant to meet in New York Friday but the thing is, Kobe has been in Europe all week and a deal for him to play 10 games in Italy for $3 million during the NBA lockout is '95 percent' done. Now, why Italy you ask (and no, Kobe is not going just to hang / party like Snooki)? Fun fact - part of the attraction to playing in Italy is the chance to resuscitate Italian professional basketball and the other part is because Bryant grew up in Italy and speaks the language. He was 6 when Joe, his father and former NBA power forward, moved the family there to continue his basketball career, playing for four teams over a seven-year stretch. Now, the deal would allow for Kobe to return to the Lakers immediately if the lockout ends, but I'm not holding my breath...sorry friends.

What's Your Fantasy?

We see and we hear people's fantasies all the time without even noticing it (and please get your mind out of the gutter. k thanks.). I'm talking about those window shoppers staring longingly at a pair of Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choo that their budget won't allow. A guy futilely scripting the perfect conversation to the girl from apartment A into his mirror with an array of timely, witty responses to compliment ratio (we know how this story ends). In fact, there's a fantasy brewing in the confines of the cubicle next to me as I hear the groans of discontent at the arrival of a late work request at 4:50pm. That's what a fantasy is, where one ardently longs to be in a position furthest from the epicenter of their current reality. Well, ladies and ladies, that's where men have devised a way to create an unholy union between fantasy and football. I give you Fantasy Football! *blood curdling scream in the background*.

It's a pandemic that has struck the likes of jocks and nerds, Wall St. types to construction workers, and has even torn down the divisive wall between men who wear boxers and men who wear briefs. Fantasy Football is THE ultimate common denominator for the 21st century man! To not know or at least understand the basics of it in today's workplace is like telling your future employer that you thought Excel was a synonym for doing a good job. Word! Remember ladies, we need every advantage that we can get!

Let's start with how one plays it. Typically, a guy at the office will attempt to assemble ideally a twelve person league (it MUST be an even number- six teams being too few and fourteen being a tad too many). The assembling process will involve plenty of badgering, the thorough questioning of one another's manhood and plenty of jabs at the piss poor losers of yesteryear. Once twelve people have committed to join the league, they are now bestowed the all high and mighty title of "owner". The owners will then nominate a Commissioner to head the league and it is his/her (my goal is that many of you will reach this mantle) job to create the league via many of the popular websites that host Fantasy Football i.e. Yahoo, ESPN, NFL.com, etc. The Commissioner's most important job other than creating the league, however, is to enforce an overall integrity and to oversee the all important DRAFT! It is the heart of Fantasy Football and many will contend that the draft is the open bar of a wedding; it surely has the same effect as one since the draft will certainly involve a Viking's ransom of alcohol. The draft order is determined through a simple drawing of numbers out of a hat and once that is established the draft can begin. Every owner must select one quarterback, two running backs, two wide receivers, a tight end, a kicker and a defense from any team in the league in an attempt to assemble the creme de le creme. Once the boys' ideal teams have been created, the computer will randomly match their teams up (and of course, how could I forget to mention that each player gets to create his own testosterone-y driven team name) with a different opponent each week. From here on out, they follow their selected players closely and hope that the said players score touchdowns, rack up massive amounts of yards and kick outrageously long field goals so that their team scores more points than their opponent. Now, don't worry about how many points are allotted per play, they just keep track of the total. At the end of the season, the winning team is determined by whomever has the most amount of wins (with a tie being broken by the most amount of points). You still with me?

So the next time you hear someone at the gym talking about their Fantasy team, here are a few cue card questions that you can ask (regardless, of whether you know or care about the answer). How does your team stand? Have any of the key injuries affected your lineup? Who's your top producer? Do you want to pick me up at seven for dinner? Okay gals, I'm off to burn some cals and tone up. Dear God, I hope the Marine Corp vet instructor isn't teaching tonight because he most certainly is nowhere near my fantasy. Please ask questions- I'll be here all night!

On Any Given Sunday

The NFL is extraordinary! I'm not just saying that because I've been brainwashed or have been going to live NFL games since the tender age of five (at the Los Angeles Coliseum where I would mingle with Football's Fabulous Females (The Raiderettes) in the public bathrooms and struggle to find a clean / safe area to pregame - i.e. toss the pigskin around with my Dad before we dug into our roast beef sammies that we had packed in tinfoil the night before), but because I truly believe that it is by far the most invigorating, the most exhilarating, and the most unbelievable sport in the world. It's as unpredictable as next season's Marc Jacobs handbag collection, so why people listen to the talking heads on ESPN or the card counters in Vegas to bet money on it is beyond me...here's the truth ladies: on Any Given Sunday, any team is capable of beating any other team (the hyped-up Eagles lost again for Christ sakes) because the skill level between the best team in the league and the worst team in the league is tiny. Real tiny (unlike many other sports out there)...

Exhibit A: The Oakland Raiders burying the New York Jets. The atmosphere in the stadium was electrifying and after years of pathetic, penalty-riddled play, Coach Hue Jackson, MVP candidate running back Darren McFadden, rookie wide receiver Denarius Moore and Polish kicker Sebastian Janikowski stunned loud mouth coach Rex Ryan, pretty boy Mark Sanchez and winner-winner-chicken-dinner-who-recently-got-out-of-prison-for-shooting-himself-in-the-foot (literally) in-a-NY-nightclub Plaxico Burress and company. As physical a team as the Jets are, the Raiders aka the 'Silver and Black' stepped up big time in this game and it was marvelous.

With that said, it's important to note that after 3 weeks of play, there are still a few undefeated teams:

1. Green Bay Packers - impressive, no doubt...but this team won the Super Bowl last year and their team is still "stacked" with top-notch players like Aaron Rogers, Jermichael Finley, Greg Jennings and Clay Matthews...so the "cheeseheads" (or Green Bay fans who wear snazzy hats shaped like a big hunk of cheese) almost expect this type of performance.

2. Detroit Lions - Pssst, lovers...get ready for the onslaught of gossip surrounding the Lions because they are legit! Back in 2008, these saps became the first team in NFL history to compile an 0-16 record in regular season play. Yep, a big fat bagel and it was tragic. But now, quarterback Matthew Stafford, wide receiver (the one who catches most passes and usually considered most agile) Calvin Johnson aka "Megatron", and (get ready for a mouthful...) defensive end Ndamukong Suh are on board and they are nearly unstoppable. Congrats Detroit, you know have something to cheer about besides Eminem and Chrysler.

3. Buffalo Bills - It's a new generation. Of party people. (yep, let loose J.Lo fans). Let me introduce you to the Buffalo Bills. This poor team has been so bad for so long that I really don't think these guys know what to do with themselves now that they're on a winning streak. Ryan Fitzpatrick, a Harvard graduate, is the quarterback for the Bills and he has proven that this team is for real. In case you missed it, he led the Bills to victory against their AFC East nemesis, the New England Patriots (who are generally so arrogant and sassy)...this was a huge victory and will have people talking for days.

So let's hear it for the NFL!!! Now I'd like a book report on all the NFL action you've seen, read or heard about this month. Single-spaced.

A Whole New Ballgame

See the resemblance? No? I didn't either, but apparently the studios deemed Brad Pitt's visage a carbon copy of the real life protagonist he plays in Moneyball, Oakland A's general manager Billy Beane. I get it though. If you're going to name the title of your movie MoneyBall, which has about the same sex appeal as a gluten free cookie, you have to throw out the biggest piece of bait ever to have graced the silver screen: Mr. Jolie, eerrr, Brad Pitt.

Moneyball is based off the best selling 2003 book titled, Moneyball by Michael Lewis. In it, he chronicles the financially troubled Oakland A's and their progressively thinking general manager Billy Beane, as they try to keep up with the Joneses aka the New York Yankees. Unable to compete financially and geographically with the big market teams, Beane seeks out an advantage that is not hijacked by the size of a franchise's bank account (it's like shopping in Neiman Marcus without a black AmEx).

From the recommendation of his then assistant general manager Paul Depodesta, they turn to an obscure and controversial use of analysis known as Sabermetrics. Essentially, it is predicting the likelihood of a player's ability to help his team score runs, rather than how the player performed as an individual. After all, it's about the final score and not whether A. Rod hit a grand slam or not. Think of Billy Bean as one of those women in TLC's Extreme Couponing, where it's all about bargain shopping. This of course was considered sacrilege as the methodology for evaluating players for over one hundred years had been purely about what was observed out on the field. How fast? How strong? Look at those arms! All things that are observable but definitely subjective.

I have high hopes for Moneyball and can't wait to hear your comments and reviews of the movie. Or Brad Pitt (but not really).

Give Peace A Chance

COME ON. Who cares if Metta World Peace (formerly Ron Artest) can't waltz or tango? Are you telling me that you actually want more of Rob Kardashian (loser), Chaz Bono (I meaaan) and Kristin Cavallari (get over yourself)? Metta may not be your run of the mill twinkle toes, but the guy is such an entertaining character! Just look at his enthusiasm in a post game interview after the Lakers had won Game 7 in the 2010 NBA Finals (woot woot):

Let me tell you a little more about our boy 'Ron Ron' World Peace (still an acceptable and commonly used nickname). He is originally from Queens, NY and is one of the NBA's premier defenders and won the Defensive Player of the Year Award back in 2004. He's also incredibly eccentric and outspoken. In fact, he's also very well-known for being one of the main players in an all out brawl (back when he was an Indiana Pacer). The Pacers-Pistons brawl (aka 'the brawl' - which you can bring up to any guy who's an NBA fan btw) broke out after a beer was thrown at Mr. World Peace (pretty ironic, huh?) and both players and fans laid into each other, erupting in mayhem. This resulted not only in $11 million in salary being lost by the players, but also a full-year suspension for World Peace. Anyway, I hate to break it to you ABC, but your DWTS viewership just plummeted big time!

Defaulting on McCourt

Newsflash: We interrupt your regularly scheduled Monday night to report that Frank McCourt, the asinine owner of my beloved Los Angeles Dodgers has finally sold the team. Hurrah! After mounting complaints from players and staff that McCourt had told them that gloves, bats and baseballs were unnecessary and that imagination was far more important in the game of baseball, a judge ruled that McCourt is an outrageously unfit and repetitively cartoonish owner. We reached out to Mr. McCourt at all eight of his unnecessarily vain and cavernous residences for comments but all we heard was the echo of our voices.

This fictional scenario that I've just laid out for you, oddly enough is not too far from the truth. While the Dodgers currently sit at a respectable 76-76 record, the financially crippling divorce between Frank McCourt and Jamie McCourt has left our team painfully mediocre and damn near broke. We have not been able to attract top-notch talent in some time (I choose to ignore the whole Mannywood debacle) and we could face the very sobering prospect of losing both an MVP candidate in Matt Kemp (*a big deal*), who you may remember was Rihanna's rebound after the 2009 GRAMMYs incident (I'm looking in your direction Chris Brown!) and Cy Young Award candidate (given to the best pitcher in the league, *a huge deal*) Clayton Kershaw.

Mark Cuban we need you!