It's Been Real...

Thank you ALL so much for logging in regularly and following us but we've officially purchased our own domain...so keep up with Purses and Playbooks at http://www.pursesandplaybooks.com/ and keep reading, commenting and staying sassy!

Viva Italia?

What's going on with the NBA you ask? Did you hear someone mention yet another lockout? Well, it's happening ladies and the NBA players might as well be out like a fat kid in dodge ball. Yes, it's true: NBA commissioner David Stern is currently threatening players with the cancellation of the entire 2011-12 season! Some sources say that the players' union (headed by President Derek Fisher of the Los Angeles Lakers) views such an extreme stance as more of a negotiating tactic than a legitimate threat, but who really knows. The NBA Players Association executive director Billy Hunter called for his executive committee members, as well as some of the league's superstars such as Lebron James and Kobe Bryant to meet in New York Friday but the thing is, Kobe has been in Europe all week and a deal for him to play 10 games in Italy for $3 million during the NBA lockout is '95 percent' done. Now, why Italy you ask (and no, Kobe is not going just to hang / party like Snooki)? Fun fact - part of the attraction to playing in Italy is the chance to resuscitate Italian professional basketball and the other part is because Bryant grew up in Italy and speaks the language. He was 6 when Joe, his father and former NBA power forward, moved the family there to continue his basketball career, playing for four teams over a seven-year stretch. Now, the deal would allow for Kobe to return to the Lakers immediately if the lockout ends, but I'm not holding my breath...sorry friends.

What's Your Fantasy?

We see and we hear people's fantasies all the time without even noticing it (and please get your mind out of the gutter. k thanks.). I'm talking about those window shoppers staring longingly at a pair of Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choo that their budget won't allow. A guy futilely scripting the perfect conversation to the girl from apartment A into his mirror with an array of timely, witty responses to compliment ratio (we know how this story ends). In fact, there's a fantasy brewing in the confines of the cubicle next to me as I hear the groans of discontent at the arrival of a late work request at 4:50pm. That's what a fantasy is, where one ardently longs to be in a position furthest from the epicenter of their current reality. Well, ladies and ladies, that's where men have devised a way to create an unholy union between fantasy and football. I give you Fantasy Football! *blood curdling scream in the background*.

It's a pandemic that has struck the likes of jocks and nerds, Wall St. types to construction workers, and has even torn down the divisive wall between men who wear boxers and men who wear briefs. Fantasy Football is THE ultimate common denominator for the 21st century man! To not know or at least understand the basics of it in today's workplace is like telling your future employer that you thought Excel was a synonym for doing a good job. Word! Remember ladies, we need every advantage that we can get!

Let's start with how one plays it. Typically, a guy at the office will attempt to assemble ideally a twelve person league (it MUST be an even number- six teams being too few and fourteen being a tad too many). The assembling process will involve plenty of badgering, the thorough questioning of one another's manhood and plenty of jabs at the piss poor losers of yesteryear. Once twelve people have committed to join the league, they are now bestowed the all high and mighty title of "owner". The owners will then nominate a Commissioner to head the league and it is his/her (my goal is that many of you will reach this mantle) job to create the league via many of the popular websites that host Fantasy Football i.e. Yahoo, ESPN, NFL.com, etc. The Commissioner's most important job other than creating the league, however, is to enforce an overall integrity and to oversee the all important DRAFT! It is the heart of Fantasy Football and many will contend that the draft is the open bar of a wedding; it surely has the same effect as one since the draft will certainly involve a Viking's ransom of alcohol. The draft order is determined through a simple drawing of numbers out of a hat and once that is established the draft can begin. Every owner must select one quarterback, two running backs, two wide receivers, a tight end, a kicker and a defense from any team in the league in an attempt to assemble the creme de le creme. Once the boys' ideal teams have been created, the computer will randomly match their teams up (and of course, how could I forget to mention that each player gets to create his own testosterone-y driven team name) with a different opponent each week. From here on out, they follow their selected players closely and hope that the said players score touchdowns, rack up massive amounts of yards and kick outrageously long field goals so that their team scores more points than their opponent. Now, don't worry about how many points are allotted per play, they just keep track of the total. At the end of the season, the winning team is determined by whomever has the most amount of wins (with a tie being broken by the most amount of points). You still with me?

So the next time you hear someone at the gym talking about their Fantasy team, here are a few cue card questions that you can ask (regardless, of whether you know or care about the answer). How does your team stand? Have any of the key injuries affected your lineup? Who's your top producer? Do you want to pick me up at seven for dinner? Okay gals, I'm off to burn some cals and tone up. Dear God, I hope the Marine Corp vet instructor isn't teaching tonight because he most certainly is nowhere near my fantasy. Please ask questions- I'll be here all night!

On Any Given Sunday

The NFL is extraordinary! I'm not just saying that because I've been brainwashed or have been going to live NFL games since the tender age of five (at the Los Angeles Coliseum where I would mingle with Football's Fabulous Females (The Raiderettes) in the public bathrooms and struggle to find a clean / safe area to pregame - i.e. toss the pigskin around with my Dad before we dug into our roast beef sammies that we had packed in tinfoil the night before), but because I truly believe that it is by far the most invigorating, the most exhilarating, and the most unbelievable sport in the world. It's as unpredictable as next season's Marc Jacobs handbag collection, so why people listen to the talking heads on ESPN or the card counters in Vegas to bet money on it is beyond me...here's the truth ladies: on Any Given Sunday, any team is capable of beating any other team (the hyped-up Eagles lost again for Christ sakes) because the skill level between the best team in the league and the worst team in the league is tiny. Real tiny (unlike many other sports out there)...

Exhibit A: The Oakland Raiders burying the New York Jets. The atmosphere in the stadium was electrifying and after years of pathetic, penalty-riddled play, Coach Hue Jackson, MVP candidate running back Darren McFadden, rookie wide receiver Denarius Moore and Polish kicker Sebastian Janikowski stunned loud mouth coach Rex Ryan, pretty boy Mark Sanchez and winner-winner-chicken-dinner-who-recently-got-out-of-prison-for-shooting-himself-in-the-foot (literally) in-a-NY-nightclub Plaxico Burress and company. As physical a team as the Jets are, the Raiders aka the 'Silver and Black' stepped up big time in this game and it was marvelous.

With that said, it's important to note that after 3 weeks of play, there are still a few undefeated teams:

1. Green Bay Packers - impressive, no doubt...but this team won the Super Bowl last year and their team is still "stacked" with top-notch players like Aaron Rogers, Jermichael Finley, Greg Jennings and Clay Matthews...so the "cheeseheads" (or Green Bay fans who wear snazzy hats shaped like a big hunk of cheese) almost expect this type of performance.

2. Detroit Lions - Pssst, lovers...get ready for the onslaught of gossip surrounding the Lions because they are legit! Back in 2008, these saps became the first team in NFL history to compile an 0-16 record in regular season play. Yep, a big fat bagel and it was tragic. But now, quarterback Matthew Stafford, wide receiver (the one who catches most passes and usually considered most agile) Calvin Johnson aka "Megatron", and (get ready for a mouthful...) defensive end Ndamukong Suh are on board and they are nearly unstoppable. Congrats Detroit, you know have something to cheer about besides Eminem and Chrysler.

3. Buffalo Bills - It's a new generation. Of party people. (yep, let loose J.Lo fans). Let me introduce you to the Buffalo Bills. This poor team has been so bad for so long that I really don't think these guys know what to do with themselves now that they're on a winning streak. Ryan Fitzpatrick, a Harvard graduate, is the quarterback for the Bills and he has proven that this team is for real. In case you missed it, he led the Bills to victory against their AFC East nemesis, the New England Patriots (who are generally so arrogant and sassy)...this was a huge victory and will have people talking for days.

So let's hear it for the NFL!!! Now I'd like a book report on all the NFL action you've seen, read or heard about this month. Single-spaced.

A Whole New Ballgame

See the resemblance? No? I didn't either, but apparently the studios deemed Brad Pitt's visage a carbon copy of the real life protagonist he plays in Moneyball, Oakland A's general manager Billy Beane. I get it though. If you're going to name the title of your movie MoneyBall, which has about the same sex appeal as a gluten free cookie, you have to throw out the biggest piece of bait ever to have graced the silver screen: Mr. Jolie, eerrr, Brad Pitt.

Moneyball is based off the best selling 2003 book titled, Moneyball by Michael Lewis. In it, he chronicles the financially troubled Oakland A's and their progressively thinking general manager Billy Beane, as they try to keep up with the Joneses aka the New York Yankees. Unable to compete financially and geographically with the big market teams, Beane seeks out an advantage that is not hijacked by the size of a franchise's bank account (it's like shopping in Neiman Marcus without a black AmEx).

From the recommendation of his then assistant general manager Paul Depodesta, they turn to an obscure and controversial use of analysis known as Sabermetrics. Essentially, it is predicting the likelihood of a player's ability to help his team score runs, rather than how the player performed as an individual. After all, it's about the final score and not whether A. Rod hit a grand slam or not. Think of Billy Bean as one of those women in TLC's Extreme Couponing, where it's all about bargain shopping. This of course was considered sacrilege as the methodology for evaluating players for over one hundred years had been purely about what was observed out on the field. How fast? How strong? Look at those arms! All things that are observable but definitely subjective.

I have high hopes for Moneyball and can't wait to hear your comments and reviews of the movie. Or Brad Pitt (but not really).

Give Peace A Chance

COME ON. Who cares if Metta World Peace (formerly Ron Artest) can't waltz or tango? Are you telling me that you actually want more of Rob Kardashian (loser), Chaz Bono (I meaaan) and Kristin Cavallari (get over yourself)? Metta may not be your run of the mill twinkle toes, but the guy is such an entertaining character! Just look at his enthusiasm in a post game interview after the Lakers had won Game 7 in the 2010 NBA Finals (woot woot):

Let me tell you a little more about our boy 'Ron Ron' World Peace (still an acceptable and commonly used nickname). He is originally from Queens, NY and is one of the NBA's premier defenders and won the Defensive Player of the Year Award back in 2004. He's also incredibly eccentric and outspoken. In fact, he's also very well-known for being one of the main players in an all out brawl (back when he was an Indiana Pacer). The Pacers-Pistons brawl (aka 'the brawl' - which you can bring up to any guy who's an NBA fan btw) broke out after a beer was thrown at Mr. World Peace (pretty ironic, huh?) and both players and fans laid into each other, erupting in mayhem. This resulted not only in $11 million in salary being lost by the players, but also a full-year suspension for World Peace. Anyway, I hate to break it to you ABC, but your DWTS viewership just plummeted big time!

Defaulting on McCourt

Newsflash: We interrupt your regularly scheduled Monday night to report that Frank McCourt, the asinine owner of my beloved Los Angeles Dodgers has finally sold the team. Hurrah! After mounting complaints from players and staff that McCourt had told them that gloves, bats and baseballs were unnecessary and that imagination was far more important in the game of baseball, a judge ruled that McCourt is an outrageously unfit and repetitively cartoonish owner. We reached out to Mr. McCourt at all eight of his unnecessarily vain and cavernous residences for comments but all we heard was the echo of our voices.

This fictional scenario that I've just laid out for you, oddly enough is not too far from the truth. While the Dodgers currently sit at a respectable 76-76 record, the financially crippling divorce between Frank McCourt and Jamie McCourt has left our team painfully mediocre and damn near broke. We have not been able to attract top-notch talent in some time (I choose to ignore the whole Mannywood debacle) and we could face the very sobering prospect of losing both an MVP candidate in Matt Kemp (*a big deal*), who you may remember was Rihanna's rebound after the 2009 GRAMMYs incident (I'm looking in your direction Chris Brown!) and Cy Young Award candidate (given to the best pitcher in the league, *a huge deal*) Clayton Kershaw.

Mark Cuban we need you!

MNF Less Than Thrilling (Tonight Only)

Tonight's Monday Night Football game is a less than thrilling matchup. It's between the New York Giants led by the perpetually confused facial expression of Eli Manning (the younger brother of the injured Peyton Manning- sucks for anyone who picked him in Fantasy Football) and the St. Louis Rams led by the sophomore quarterback Sam Bradford. While Bradford is expected to do big things this season after having a great rookie campaign, the rest of his team is pretty poor. It doesn't pack the usual punch of a MNF game but in case you happen to catch a glimpse of the game, this is the perfect opportunity to offer your first bit of sports news and trivia (other than the amazing instructor in your intense Monday night spin class) to the guys.

SNF > EMMYs

So did you watch any football today? Bueller? ... Bueller? Well, in case you were too preoccupied with the farmers market or bottomless mimosas with your girlfriends this afternoon, you're in luck because tonight the Philadelphia Eagles face off the Atlanta Falcons and let me tell you why this is going to be better than watching the Emmy Awards (which you'll hear about all week on Fashion Police, E! News, and even CNN anyway): Michael Vick is headed back to ATL to play against his former squad! He was a hero before the whole dog fighting debacle...but then he went to prison for 19 months. Anyway, he's in an Eagles uniform now and is ready to strut his stuff on the field (and yes, he is a phenomenal quarterback)...and is expecting a warm welcome from the crowd. Would you cheer or boo the man?

NFL 101

Sundays always seem a bit eerie to me. I mean, you can't help but notice that as you shop for the week's groceries, go on your favorite hike and one's general meandering about town to finish eleventh hour errands, the male population has seemingly disappeared. Holy mackerel, it's straight out of some apocalypse movie! But alas, let me allay your fears as these men haven't really disappeared, rather they go into a hibernation of sorts where they spend the hours between 10:30AM to 8 PM every Sunday in their man caves. And what do they do in their man caves every Sunday making ape noises at the T.V.? We all know the answer, so let's say it together, "NFL". It's the sacred day for all men to beef up their Fantasy Football teams and get their head straight for the week. Well ladies, yours truly is one of those bears hibernating out in that den. After growing up in a male dominated family, it's hard to choose Barbies and Blossom over pigskins and ESPN. I got used to the phrase "Are You Ready For Some Football?" and now it's your turn to do the same (while still keeping your feminine sensibilities of course). I want to share a few basics about the game with you so that everyone is on the same page (and for those of you who have already mastered the basics, well, then stay tuned for future, more advanced posts and chime in with any color commentary that you seem fit):

1. The Field: The playing field is 100 yards long. On each end of the playing field is an "end zone" which extends ten yards so the total field is 120 yards. At the very back of each end zone is a "goal post" and the intersection of the end zone and the playing field is called the goal line. You still with me? :::sipping morning iced, nonfat mocha:::: Ok, the yardage from the goal line is marked at ten-yard intervals, up to the 50-yard line, which is in the center of the field, and after reaching the 50-yard line, the yardage markers start to descend (40, 30, 20, 10) every ten yards until they reach the opposite goal line.

2. The Teams: Each team is allowed 11 men on the field at a time. Any more than 11 could result in a penalty. Each team is comprised of an offense, defense, and special teams (which is the unit for kickoffs, kick returns, punts, extra points, field goals, etc).

3. Object Of The Game: (i.e. what are those large men running around on the field trying to accomplish?: outscore the opponent (duh) by advancing the football into their end zone for as many touchdowns as possible while holding them to as few as possible. There are other ways of scoring, but a touchdown (worth 6 points) is usually the prime objective.

4. Beginning The Game: (i.e. what's happening from the opening kickoff?): Before each game begins, the captains from each team and the referee meet at the center of the field for the coin toss. The winner of the coin toss has the option of starting the game by kicking the ball to the other team or receiving the kickoff from the other team. The game is officially "underway" when one team team kicks off to the opponent. That initial play ends when the player with the ball is knocked to the ground (tackled), or makes it all the way to the kicking team's end zone (touchdown / uproar / loud noises). The spot where the kick returner was tackled becomes the "line of scrimmage" (which is a term for the place where the ball is spotted before a play is run)

5. Downs and Distance: Alright gals, now this is the biggest key to understanding the game. Basically, a "down" is a play. From the time the ball is snapped (or put into play), to the time the play is over (indicated by a whistle by the official) = one "down". A team's offense is given four downs (i.e. plays) to move ten yards toward the opponent's end zone. Now, distance is the number of yards a team needs in order to get a new set of four downs. If that team makes the ten yards needed within four downs, then they are given a new set of downs and voila, the cycle starts again. This is called getting a "first down".

However, if they don't make the required ten yards, the other team's offense "takes possession of the ball" and tries to score. OR, that team can elect to "go for it" on fourth down and try to pick up the remaining yardage, but they run the risk of turning the ball over to the other team if they do not get to the first down marker...very risque. OR (and this happens the majority of the time) teams will elect to "punt" the ball away on fourth down. OR, another option is to kick a field goal (3 points, which is totally acceptable, but not as fantastical as a touchdown).

I know this may be a bit of information overload, but if you have any questions at all, feel free to post...

Ending The Night In The Ring

What. A. Day. From tailgating to watching USC pummel Syracuse to pay-per-viewing the much anticipated bout between unbeaten Floyd Mayweather and youngin Victor Ortiz, one can certainly keep busy in the sports world on a Saturday. But tonight, let's discuss "the fight".

I'm going to begin by shamelessly admitting that I was in your shoes this afternoon. I overheard someone reference "the fight" and the only bell that rang in my head was, oh man, another boxing match. I didn't know who was fighting or why people were so excited to actually pay money to tune-in, so rather than avoiding the situation like the plague and choosing to snuggle up with my boyfriend in our luscious California king bed (with Hotel Collection sheets and down comforter), I decided to hang with the crowd that was interested in "the fight", ask some questions and whet my sports appetite. Here's what I learned:

1. Floyd Mayweather is incredibly pompous. The man burns money. Literally (my attorney cousin confirmed that burning money is illegal).

2. Floyd is 34 years old and is undefeated in his professional boxing career (impressive) but...

3. He's pals with 50 Cent and the two millionaires lead ridiculously lavish lives (as in, Floyd got paid $40 million for showing up to this fight in Vegas - win or lose).

4. Victor Ortiz is 24 years old, fairly well spoken, and is a native of Kansas...strange, I know, but just go with it...

So now onto what actually took place in the ring (after both "The Star-Spangled Banner" and the Mexican National Anthem were belted by some no-namers in miniskirts and yes, Christina Aguilera was in the crowd probably cringing through both renditions...but to be fair, who knows if she would've remembered the words anyway). Okay, let's start with the fact that Floyd was wearing what looked like a pumpkin / candy corn fur coat before he stripped down to his pumpkin / candy corn boxing shorts and he looked so absurd that it was comical. Ortiz was wearing a silver jumpsuit with the Kansas Jayhawks logo on the butt of his silver, equally embarrassing shorts. In short, here are some of my observations of "the fight" tonight. The bell dings and the two men start to jab. Initially, I was impressed by the speed of these guys (particularly Mayweather) and their constant dodging and weaving, interspersed with flurries of hooks and punches. Next, I noticed that the the score of the fight was being calculated by the percentage of hits (or blows) landed on the opponent...or until one fighter landed a knock-out (KO), which is when a fighter is unable to get up unassisted after being floored by the count of ten. But here comes the drama *dun dun dun*. Ortiz delivered an illegal head butt to Floyd! This was followed by Ortiz properly apologizing to Floyd and they appeared to kiss and make-up. Then, when the ref had his head in the clouds, Mayweather delivered a one-two combination which sent Ortiz to the floor. Picture cartoon birds spinning over his head. At that point, "the fight" was over.

One last thing. Floyd was interviewed shortly following his KO by HBO boxing analyst Larry Merchant. Floyd thanked the lord, his thoroughly pissed pay-per view subscribers, and then when asked about his final, controversial KO, he insisted that after you engage gloves, you have to protect yourself at all times. Ok great, but then he lost it and shouted at Larry, "You never give me a fair shake. HBO need to fire you. You don't know s--- about boxing. You ain't s---! You're not s---! To which the 80-year-old Merchant replied: "I wish I was 50 years younger and I'd kick your ass." Classic.

So Football"Isn't Really Your Thing"

Well that's nice. No really, very fascinating...because blogging really wasn't my "thing" either until I decided to embrace it. Catch my drift? Okay, so if gabbing abut Louis Vuitton, Birkin and Prada (I'm more of a Kate Spade gal myself) as you lay out to get that last tan in the waning days of summer is more in your comfort zone then it's time to take a dive into the proverbial deep end. More to this point, here's a cute conversation that I had with a classy broad I know interjected with some creative liberties (if you might allow me to digress, I've been waiting for an opportune time to use the word broad as archaic as it is...it just sounds funny, right?):

Me: Are you coming to the tailgate tomorrow?
Broad: I want to see everyone, but football really isn't my thing.
Me: Have you been to a tailgate?
Broad: No
Me: Oh em gee! Tailgates are phenomenal and I insist that you come.
Broad: It sounds like a drunkfest.
Me: ::::vomit::::

This is where I feel the broad missed the point. Tailgates can and will include plenty of drinking, yes. Plenty of douchy guys playing beer pong, yes. And plenty of girls that will swoon over the aforementioned points, but here's where I feel obligated to shed some light on what tailgates are really about:

- tradition (especially at my alma mater, USC)
- a sense of community and purpose
- a collective energy that fights off any sort of blues
- good food (shout out to my Food Network viewers- you'd be surprised how far the tailgate scene has come)

Now let's get into the game. Today's key matchup in the greater Los Angeles area:

- #23 ranked Texas vs UCLA @ the Rose Bowl (Pasadena, CA...awesome flea market on Sundays, fyi.) UCLA comes off an uninspired win against San Jose State, to put them at 1-1, while the Texas Longhorns come to town at 2-0 with a very impressive defense i.e. UCLA's head coach, Rick Neuheisel, is on the "hot seat" (as you will quickly find out, sports analogies are as ubiquitous as bleach blonde hair in south Orange County). Try it out, "hot seat" this and "hot seat" that and let me know how it goes.

- Syracuse vs. USC @ the Coliseum (downtown Los Angeles-ish). Both teams come into this game 2-0, with SC coming off a barn burner against University of Utah where the final score was debated throughout this week, but that's another story. USC is favored to win the game, but in order to do this their anemic offense led by quarterback Matt Barkley must improve. I don't know what they have against quarters two through four, but I like my action to be consistent throughout the game.

Tune in for photos and more sarcastic commentary later today. If you hear anything that sounds like Chinese during your tailgate or favorite watering hole, like "their red zone offense must improve" or "quick bubble screen to the wide receiver" or "red-shirt freshman" or "tailgate" feel free to post and I will respond promptly. However, I will not be answering questions about "on a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is Matt Barkley"... besides, the proof is in the pudding.

Fight On!

Ready, Set, Leave Your Designer Purse at Home Because It's Time To Talk Sports

Alright ladies. The time has come to gear up for what will be the most exciting sports season of your lives. That's right, I went there, and please don't roll your eyes at me or give me that glossed over look like you'd much rather be out fall shopping or sipping your pumpkin spiced lattes while you brush up on most recent episodes of Say Yes To The Dress (NY>ATL btw) or Perez gossip or whatever else tickles your fancy at this time of year. It's time to get serious about sports and I'm going to help you become just as knowledgeable, well-versed and pumped about football season as I am (and yes, we'll get to other sports as the year progresses but stick with me and we'll bring you up to speed in no time)...

We're going to cover the rules of the game, what is and what is most certainly not appropriate attire for the game (hint: tiny pieces of cloth just barely covering your unmentionables belong in the "not" column), and perhaps most importantly, how to drop those one-liners at the sports bar or at your next tailgate party to knock the socks off that hottie that you've been trying to talk to for weeks...and who knows, maybe that nugget of sports information can help you in that next job interview or dredded networking event...just sayin'.